I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
