Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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