I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
