i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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