the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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