My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
