I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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