Fine. I'll sleep in my office
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
