My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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