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Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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