hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize