Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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