I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
