Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
