Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
