Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
