I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
