so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
