I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
