I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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