he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
