Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
