I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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