im so drunk with asians
where?
always
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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