at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
