Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
