Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
