You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
