so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's official drugs can't kill me
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
