Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize