Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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