took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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