I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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