So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
