Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
