He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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