did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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