called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
