I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
