She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
