My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
