Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
