I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
