did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
