if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
