he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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