Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
