I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
