i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
