I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
