I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
