I am in a vortex of obligation.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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