i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Houston, we have a blender
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
