Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
