why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I would ride that face into the sunset
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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