This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
