Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
